Harry Potter and the Chip Dip Plague
by R.E. Ravenclaw
Summary: The world can breath freely again, for the sequel to "Voldemort Goes Wiccan" has arrived! From the comedy-writing cousin duo comes an epic adventure with more humorous antics involving a power hungry Harry Potter, who satiates his appetite with...


Disclaimer: *right hands raised* We hereby disclaim the possession of JK Rowling's brilliant ideas. We only made them brillianter. Oh, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Also not ours.

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><p><span>Harry Potter and the Chip Dip Plague<span>

Voldemort trotted into the main hall of Malfoy Manor, bare feet covered in blood.

"Alright, Minions, the Wiccan thing didn't really work out. BUT. I have a NEW plan! Who wants to hear it? Huh, huh? Who wants to?"

"I do! I do! I DO! PICK ME!" screamed Bellatrix, arms flailing in the air to gain her master's attention.

"Anyone else?" asked Voldemort, leaning over to Snape, his right hand man, stage whispering, "I don't like it when she talks."

There was a large silence in the room as the lack of eye contact with the Dark Lord shook through the crowd like a wave.

"Nobody ever pays any attention to me. I feel unloved, neglected, abandoned, and FAT!" Silence.

"You're not fat, My Lord," Snape mumbled into the awkward silence, "I mean you're the skinniest guy I know and I've seen emaciated corpses."

"Aww, thank you, Snape! I work hard to keep this ever so appealing image. Now back to the plan!...Go on…someone ask 'what plan, my loving, awesome, never going to die Master?'"

Like school children, every Death Eater in the room repeated, "What plan, my loving, awesome, never going to die Master?" Voldemort giggled and clapped with glee.

"That's much better! Now the whole peace thing didn't really work out so well. Seeing Dumbledore naked on a broomstick kind of snapped me back into my senses. Instead we will be taking a leaf out of the Good Book itself—Christianity!"

"…Christianity, My Lord?" Snape asked, confused.

"WONDERFUL idea, My Lord!" Bellatrix screamed, running in circles around him, and pulling at his robes.

"Yes! We shall… wait for it… waaaiiittt for itttt… we shall BRING A PLAGUE ON THEM ALL!"

"A plague? Like Locusts, and frogs, My Lord?" Snape asked.

"What? Ewwww, no. Where do you come up with this shit? We shall bring upon them a CHIP DIP plague!"

"…"

"I know, it's brilliant, I can hardly believe it myself! The other day, I was sitting in my bed chambers, eating chips and dip, when suddenly a small bit fell onto the bed when I missed my mouth. I don't have any lips to catch that stuff with, you know. So anyway, it was in the bed and suddenly this WONDERFUL thing filled me with pure horror! Do you know how hard it is to clean that stuff out? It's STILL there! SO, this idea came to me—Chip Dip, falling from the heavens! Lord Voldemort will say, 'and let there be dip!' and so it will be! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

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><p>Meanwhile, far away in the Gryffindor Common Room, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were enjoying a large container of Heluva Good © chip dip.<p>

"THIS IS SO GOOD!" Harry screamed, scooping large portions into his mouth and grinning in delight. "I wish there was an ENDLESS amount of Chip Dip! I wish it would RAIN FROM THE SKIES!"

"Um…Harry, you're not going to believe this…" whispered Hermione as she gazed out of the window.

"Hargid's not running around in the nude again after a drunken night with Fang?" said Ron, reluctantly approaching the window, eye twitching as past horrors arose from deep within his repressed subconscious.

"Nooooo…" The trio gathered around the window.

"It's just snowing, Hermione," said Harry, chip dip dripping down his chin.

"I don't think this is snow," Hermione said, opening the window and scooping up some of the white accumulation on a ruffled chip. She brought it to her nose and inhaled deeply. "Yeah, I definitely don't think snow smells like French Onion…"

Harry gasped. "GASP! French Onion? That's my VERY FAVORITE Chip Dip! GIMEE!" he screamed as he lunged toward the window and began shoveling handfuls of dip into his mouth.

Ron stared, wide-eyed, as Hermione attempted to keep Harry from falling out of the window. Just as she thought her grip would fail, he suddenly stopped and flung himself backward onto the rug, face covered in the chippy dippy goodness.

"Do you know what this MEANS?" he asked, face full of wonder and a dash of manic excitement.

"Do we want to?" asked Ron.

"I CREATED A CHIP DIP RAIN! I AM THE CHIP DIP MESSIAH!"

"Oh for the love of… Harry you cannot CREATE a chip dip rain. Didn't you pay attention during Transfiguration? You can only summon or transfigure it—you can't simply pull it out of thin air."

"I SUMMONED Chip Dip! I am all powerful!"

"Wow. He kind of is. Check this out!" Ron said, holding the Daily Prophet that had just been delivered by a dip covered owl. "It says here under this dip stain that Chip Dip around the Muggle world has suddenly and unexplainedly disappeared from containers. You ARE the Chip Dip Messiah, Harry!"

"Come! I must spread the word of Chip Dip!"

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><p>Voldemort stood, smiling faintly, as he stared out his chamber window at the dip falling rapidly in giant globs to the ground below. He was particularly enjoying the sight of Wormtail, flailing as he was buried alive under the pounds of heavy, suffocating, goodness, screaming "It's in my eyeesss!", when there was a knock at the door.<p>

"My Lord," Snape said, entering with eyes cast low and bowing repeatedly. "My Lord, I'm afraid there is a bit of a situation."

"Yes, yes, I know I that Bella has stolen all of my underwear again, and I'm taking care of it."

"Erm. A **different** situation, My Lord."

"Oh. Well, get on with it."

"It seems that Harry Potter has come to believe that he is the Chip Dip Messiah."

"The WHAT?"

"The Chip Dip Messiah, My Lord."

"I see…?"

"He is standing on tables in the Great Hall, insisting that he The One Who Has Summoned Chip Dip, and that the entirety of Hogwarts should follow him into Chip Dip heaven through a ceremonious eating of Chip Dip until they explode."

"What about the lactose-intolerant?"

"They have a special place beside Harry, for they are considered the Chosen Guinea Pigs. His head has grown to immeasurable sizes, metaphorically of course, and he's gained about fifty pounds since yesterday morning when this began. I'm afraid he's causing QUITE a disruption, as the children refuse to do anything but run through the halls throwing empty dip containers at professors and ghosts, and shoving French Onion down their own throats."

"THIS IS PERFECT!"

"Perfect, My Lord?"

"Don't you SEE? This is only stage ONE of my plan!"

"Oh dear lord, there's more? You said this was only a one stage plan!"

"It was! But stage two has just smacked me in the face in the form of your news! IT'S FLAWLESS!"

"Of course, My Lord. Your plans always are. Like the time you threw that acorn at Potter's head. We all remember how THAT turned out…"

"Minor technicalities. But no, this truly IS flawless for Harry has done my work for me! Now, when the progression of the dip turns from gaiety and joy, it will fall on HARRY's head! Then I will come and offer to save them all from the horrors of the Chip Dip Plague, and the entirety of the Wizarding World will follow me WILLINGLY into servitude! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As Voldemort laughed his evil laugh, Snape snuck quiety out of the room to return to Hogwarts and begin scrubbing the dip out of his office upholstery.

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><p>"And then I said 'let there be dip', and there. Was. DIP!" Harry screamed, from the front of the Great Hall, as girls screamed in Beiber like admiration and Dumbledore clapped enthusiastically, calling out "I always knew he was the Chosen One! Didn't I tell you?"<p>

Harry was furious when Hermione snuck up and pulled him off the table and out of the room.

"What are doing, peasant? My admirers demand The Word!"

"Harry! We have a problem."

"What kind of problem? We don't have problems? There are no problems unless I **SAY** we have problems!'

"There are bugs."

"Bugs? What kind of bugs? I did not summon bugs!"

"Well, you summoned dip, and dip summons bugs!"

"I did not think of this. Well, we'll just have to get rid of the bugs!"

"And how do you intend to do that?"

"I will summon frogs to eat the bugs!"

"Frogs."

"Frrroooggggsss…" he agreed, giggling manically. He suddenly turned and ran back to the Great Hall. A great silence fell, other than the buzzing of millions of bugs outside, plastered to the windows of the Great Hall. Everyone anxiously awaited his Words as his vertically challenged self struggled to get back upon the table. Slightly out of breath, he called out "The world has challenged our happiness! But it shall not prevail! I have Summoned Dip! And that may have summoned bugs, but I shall summon FROGS! LET IT BE SOOO!" And there was much rejoicing.

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><p>"My Lord?" implored Snape as he entered the empty room that was the Dark Lord's chamber.<p>

"Yesssss?" came a voice from under the bed, red eyes glowing eerily in the dark.

"Ummm, what are you doing?"

"Hiding from Bella. She thinks I stole her hairbrush and it's apparently in my pants and she's trying to get in them. 'No' doesn't stop that women."

"Well, My Lord, she is not here with me. I believe you can come out now."

"I feel safer under here. Plus, I found an old Kit Kat bar." There was a crunch proving that the Dark Lord had indeed broke off a piece of that Kit Kat bar, "So, what was it you wanted?"

"He's summoned frogs, My Lord."

There were a few moments of silence interrupting by occasional crunches before the Dark Lord exclaimed, "I've got it! Part three of my plan shall commence!"

"And what is part three of your plan, My Lord?"

"Don't you see, Severus? It's quite obvious, you're so dim witted sometimes! Anyway, I'll tell you because I like you and you're billowing batlikeness. I shall summon the frogs, for Harry Potter must still be believed to be the Chosen Chip Dip Man or whatever they're calling him these days. And with his frogs, he will bring about a plague of SAMONELLA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

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><p>"Harry, the students are getting sick. They're vomiting everywhere, and the children are crying profusely. Plus there are a group of students calling themselves the Anti-Potters who are demanding your sudden death. This really must end," Hermione said in a stern voice.<p>

Harry pouted, as he sat upon his throne, crown falling down over his eyes and first years fanning him lightly with large palm leaves. "I don't wanna."

"Come on! The frogs couldn't care less about the bugs, because they're too confused by the Chip Dip! Which is really starting to smell, by the way."

"It's the smell of POWER! I AM THE ONE PERCENT! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT! I AM the Summoner of Chip Dip and Frogs!"

"You have issues. SO many issues."

Just then, there was a large bang as the doors of the Great Hall were magiced from their hinges and flung aside, breaking several windows and allowing the bugs to swarm into the hall, frogs following closely behind, and the aroma of rotting French Onion and Sour Cream Dip to waft over the congregation. Leading the group of Anti-Potters, arms spread wide in the universal symbol of 'HELL yeah, I did it' was none other than the Dark Lord himself.

Harry stood up, shoving the first years off of the dais, for no other reason than he could. "You are not welcome here! Do not cross me, Riddle, for I am the Chip Dip Messiah and I. will. Take. You. DOWN!"

"Please, Potter. The situation is now out of your control—the tables have turned—The ball is in my court—there has been a turn of events—the cat is out of the bag… oh wait. That doesn't really apply, does it? Aside: it's foreshadowing!"

"What are you TALKING about?" Harry asked, brow furrowed in confusion.

"Nothing! You heart NOTHING!"

"How does it FEEL to be less powerful? Huh? HUH?"

"Oh, please, you've completely abused your power and have brought nothing but pain and hardship upon your loyal followers! You are just a boy with Jesus Syndrome!"

"I think I've read about that somewhere…" Hermione muttered.

"Do not! I have brought nothing but joy and laughter in the form of delicious Chip Dip! My followers LOVE me! LOVE ME I SAY! And then it was so!"

"Wow. You're just as looney as Sna… my… friieennndd… said you were! I shall rid the world of you and the plagues you've brought upon us! Come, loyal followers, join me and the Anti-Potters in bringing down the tyranny that has caused this destruction, discomfort, and nausea!"

The students and staff discussed amongst themselves before 99% of them ran toward Voldemort, covering him in hugs and adoration.

"NO LOVE! That's a rule!" He screamed as small children attached themselves to his legs.

Harry sat alone upon his throne, using a comb, as he chatted on the phone with Hermione as she walked toward the Great Hall doors. _(yayyyy random rhyming!)_

"Et tu, 'Mione?" he said sadly as he watched her retreat from him.

"Sorry, Harry, but I just can't afford to be eating all this dip—even with all the vomiting my pants still won't zip!"

"FINE! Be that way! But you want to know what? He couldn't summon Chip Dip if he tried! He can't summon his own NOSE! I AM THE CHOSEN ONE! Leave me, and DIEEEEE!"

"Bitch, no you didn't!" Voldemort screamed. "You KNOW the reason I don't summon a nose is to try to ward off unwanted advanced from Bellatrix! You KNOW I'm just too sexy for my robes, too sexy or my robes, so sexy!"

"Well, that was uncomfortable. But I call lies! You just don't have the POWER, the DETERMINATION, the CUNNING to think up such a BRILLIANT idea! It's. All. ME!"

"You have nothing, Potter! It was ME! ALL ME! I summoned the Chip Dip Plague, and the FROGS!" There was a long silence as everyone gaped at Voldemort, "…Shit."

Suddenly, pitchforks and torches appeared in the hands of all those occupying the Great Hall and Voldemort found himself being chased by a large group of small children from the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts. Alongside him ran Draco Malfoy clapping together two coconut halves singing,

"Voldy, bravely ran away, away,

He was not in the least bit scared

To be mashed into a pulp.

Or to have his eyes gouged out,

And his elbows broken."

Back in the Great Hall, Harry sat upon his throne looking very downtrodden. Hermione approached him slowly, fearing an emotional breakdown at the loss of such power. "Harry?" she said. "Harry, are you alright?"

"Yeeeaaahhhhh, I guess sooo…" he said on a sigh.

"Are you sure? Because you kind of look like you're considering facing a homicidal dark wizard, alone and without a wand."

"Oh come on, be realistic, I'm not that stupid. I'm just considering what to have for dinner. Nothing with onions or sour cream. Besides, the locusts and frogs destroyed the entirety of the kitchen stock. The elves have been disinfecting all day. WAIT. I'll SUMMON dinner! Harry said 'and then there were Asparagus' and it was so!"

"Harry…"

"Just kidding. Let's go to Taco Bell."

THE END

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><p>The back story of this randomness:<p>

Yesterday, word of a quest reached our (R.E. Ravenclaw and Mrs. C. N. Riddle) ears, calling us forth to seek the Holy Chip Dip. However, it was soon discovered that various sizes of Chip Dip were available for the purchasing. Dishearten and confused, we calculated the per ounce to price ratio of each tub, yet the decision was not yet achieved. Finally seeking the wisdom of the mother and aunt of us, respectively, the medium container was procured.

Yet, we could not help but ponder the results of having purchased copious amount of Chip Dip. So much so that it rained from the heavens above! And, thus, Harry Potter and the Chip Dip Plague was born!

Read & Review! :)

Love,

R.E. Ravenclaw & Mrs. C.N. Riddle


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